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Dear Dr. Al,

At my internship there is a woman who does all of the intakes.  She also staffs the clients during meetings.  Her tone and ways of responding to people as well as constantly cutting them off is rude and unprofessional.  Do I say something?  I feel she is disrespectful to all.

Concerned Counseling Intern.

 

Dear CCI,

If this is true, the question becomes:  Who will bell the cat?  It is evident, because of the job that she performs, that this woman has been there for a while.

Given that truth, I would suggest that her abrasive posture is/has been well known within the institution.  Given that truth, and given that she is not only still there, but holds that position, it suggests that this behavior is tolerated – encouraged if only because it has not been stopped.

If all this is true – nobody says anything, they are there longer than you, she has not been chastised…..then why would you jeopardize your job, your potential for future employment, and your clients’ access to good treatment by pulling a sword and fighting a windmill???

I understand your emotions, but you need to be in a stronger position before you go fighting windmills.

Dr. Al

 

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There is a Window…

Here is the challenge that you, I, we face.

There is a window.  And there are certain people, populations, identities who control access through that window.  Notice I said “through” and not “to.”  Many of us got “to” that window.  Very few are welcomed “through.”

So let us go back to the concept of the window.  There are certain behaviors, some subtle, some clearly articulated, that you (whoever “you” is) have to enact to be allowed through that window.

At this time in our history, one of those persistent behaviors is “color.”

There are others.  But that is one behavior that has, as yet, been resistant to shifts in place and time.

Cultures, both social and ethnic, are not blind to this.

As a young man from the Dominican Republic, I fully understand that there is potential (not certainty) if I demonstrate a high level of competence in baseball.

As a young man from the challenged areas of Brasil, I fully understand that there is potential (not certainty) if I demonstrate a high level of competence in soccer.

As a young man from the challenged areas of North America, I fully understand that there is potential (not certainty) if I demonstrate a high level of competence in basketball, or  football.

There is a window, and certain groups control access to and through that window. The question becomes: What are you willing to do, to give up, to reject of yourself, in order to (hope to) be offered access to, or through that window?

The greatest challenge is – control of that access port!!

  1. The challenge you/we have is earlier. Our kids’ initial contact with the system is around 13 – 14.  Since that is the “initial contact” point – then the “warm-up” or preparation is much earlier (possible 5 – 6 yrs old).  So these “initial patterns” are seeding much earlier.  Part of this has to do with deficit self- and cultural-identity models.  These are developed very early in life – but that is another conversation.
  2. Education has to be relevant to (a) life experiences, and (b) the projection of life experiences.  The lack of relevance in our current education system to these children’s lives (who they are, where they are, where they see themselves going) serves to keep #1 (above) as “normal.”
  3. Because our penal system is based on a “business model,” there is no incentive to decrease the prison population.  It pays us to jail them.
  4. Because there is financial reward, vis-a-vis census, in building prisons in rural areas (we get the numbers while retaining the politics of “safety”), there is no incentive/reason/cost to stop.
  5. See “The Delinquents” – a program done by 60 Minutes on the consequences following the removal of elephant bulls from the pack.  Briefly:  Without checks & balances, young children become “adultified” – increases in testosterone, estrogen, et cetera.  They become sexual very early.  They become aggressive.  Removing adults from the environment leaves a void that will be filled.  Voids are “always” filled!  You may not like what it’s filled with, but it will be filled.  See Chicago: With the increased incarceration of the gang leaders, our kids are blindly killing themselves and each other.  VOIDS WILL BE FILLED.
  6. Now we come to post-incarceration job opportunities.  Color is a factor.  Everything being equal, there is a different internal (guttural) impact that Barry Bonds has on the “hiring” population than Roger Clements has on that same population.  This is natural.  We may not like it – but there are many things we do not like that are what they are.  Do not harp on it.  Do not make it the central course.  Simply recognize that race is a factor.  Access is a factor.  Education is a factor.  Financial solvency is a factor.  This is as true for 2013, as it was for 1850.

So you will have to (a) identify, through research, those areas, jobs, business people who would be most present to offering jobs – not a second chance…a job.  What are the personality characteristics that would lend someone to be willing to engage in this process…to be willing to offer an ex-convict a job?

  1. You will have to increase the percentage of first-generation ethnic minorities (Blacks, Latinos) who have businesses, and whom you can leverage to offer job opportunities.  (SECRET) You will find a greater level of “willingness to engage” amongst first-generation ethnic minorities than any other.  Promoting and marketing toward ethnic minority athletes and entertainers who are already doing this would be useful.
  2. Practical preparation:  Jail is not a cognitive environment, despite all the rhetoric.  Jail is authoritarian-behavioral.  It is, at best, behavioral-cognitive.  (You do as I say, or else!!!) The only other environment that has “demonstrable” success in behavioral-cognitive leading to insight, is the Army.  The challenge, therefore, is: recognizing and acknowledging the truth of the jail system (authoritarian), given the success of the Army system (authoritarian) – how do we train these young men for jobs post-sentence. There is a potential marriage somewhere here.  Good luck with that one.  (I did not articulate this as clearly as I would want, but I hope you get the idea.) There is a successful model out there.  Use it. Engage with it.
  1. Finally (and closing the circle):  Recognize that we, all of us, become less and less malleable as we get older.  You are trying to impact change, you are trying to mold as early as possible.  It becomes more and more difficult to mold a plant (a person) the more it (he, she) matures.  This is not simply a behavioral concept or an observation.  This is both biological and necessary.  This is how the mind (necessarily) lays down memories, which become patterns, which become automatic, which become “normal.”  When “normal” becomes shared, it becomes “cultural to the environment.”  Not “cultural” – – – “cultural to the environment.”  Those are two different things.  You are actually, therefore, trying to shift “normal,” not through pathologizing, but through advancing a new theoretical concept of “normal.”  This takes time, and the development of a critical mass – that offers a shared alternative, perspective.  It’s like a teeter-totter.  You’re trying to balance it.  If you try to takeaway “normal” you will be rejected.  Establish an achievable alternative, which opens up new avenues, which establishes and new “normal.” Image

The Story of The Earth People

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoT1dbf9DBI&feature=related  The Story of The Earth People

Dear Dr. Al,I’m concerned for/about my 16 year old daughter. It seems there
are a multitude of things swirling around her spirit lately…none of them
allowing her to move from this cloud.She is almost 17 and in her second semester of her junior year.
She is also on the track team and she is the track captain. She also lost her
father to cancer 2 years ago. I believe her pain about this is surfacing and
is mixed in with all of the above.

It is my opinion her health is starting to show signs of all
this stress. We have been to the Dr. twice in 2 months. She is having difficulty
with pain when she breathes. This could be/is related to her running track.
Her chest muscles seemed to be inflamed near the sternum. Her last track
meet, she was unable to run all her events, due to this issue. She called me
crying.

Most of all I have noticed my ALIVE, VIBRANT, ENERGETIC daughter
succumb to a tired, worried, stressed 17 year old. I see more stress than
smiles. I am there for her 24/7, but understand she may not even be able to
sort all this out. My conversations with her end in…”I’m just tired
mom”…I do believe she is as very worried about the condition of her
breathing as am I.

Just need some guidance as a mom so I can support her through
this. She deserves it.

Mom

Dear Mom,

This response may be a bit longer than either you or I anticipated.  I will start with the end point. Then I will list some of the concerns you shared and address each briefly.

  1. You mentioned that “she deserves it.”  I have no doubt that she does, and that is part of reason for your concern.
  2. She is 16 and a junior in high school.  Do you remember you at 16 and a junior in high school?  Do you recall your emotional roller-coasters – your ups, your downs,  your crying for what seemed to be no reason at all, your parents who did not
    understand, your cliques at school (those who liked you, those who hated you and those you disliked?  Your daughter
    is right there – right now. Under the best of circumstances, that is a difficult place to be.  The acne
    outbursts do not help either.  So in the best of scenarios where, let’s say, 10 negative points put you into
    the high stress region, that alone amounts for 5 of those 10 possible points.
  3. She is the Captain of the track team.  Let’s add 1 more stress point for that.
  4. She lost her dad to cancer at age 14.  Any loss at any time is horrific – can you even imagine what the loss of her father, at this critical stage of her life, does to this young woman?  And she is still trying to play the role of captain and leader?  How does one really do that effectively?   You seemed to suggest that she may not yet have mourned his passing. Let’s add another 3 stress points.   A conservative estimate puts your daughter at a 9 on a scale of 1 – 10.
  5. You also mentioned some swelling in the sternum area, and shortness of breath – plus an inability to complete her events.
    This tends to have a child question her own competencies.  Her team is expecting her to compete, compete well, and lead.  She feels incapable (at this time) – both physically and emotionally.  How does she tell herself that?  How does she tell her team?  How does she forgive herself?

My suggestion is that you get her to a specialist.  Try to find a kind, competent, male pediatric specialist dealing with activity and sport related injuries.  You seem to be an extremely competent mother.  This is evidenced in your ability to identify and list her potential challenges.  What your daughter needs is a kind, competent male specialist.  Her coach (if male) cannot do it.  He may be well-intended, and capable of understanding intellectually, but he has a track-meet to contest and win.  His job depends on it.  His ego depends on it.  His first reaction will probably be to suggest a relief from her responsibilities as Captain.  This actually does the reverse of what’s intended and places additional internal stress on the child.  This tends to be perceived as another failure.  She
may begin to develop an internal perception of herself as a failure.  Because of her strengths (as you identified them) this will more-than-likely not be shared with you.  So she will carry this pain by herself –  possibly leading to symptoms of depression.
Have your daughter checked-out physically first – a thorough check-up in critical.  At the same time the plan is the
development of the relationship between (a) herself and herself, and (b) herself and the doctor…with you guiding it.  Give
the doctor some insight on what’s going on.  Guide him as to the questions to ask.  He will be the first line to her therapeutic engagement.  If psychotherapy is deemed necessary – meaning that there is no evidence of a physiological reason for her chest pain – then have the doctor speak with her about it in your presence.  If you bring it up, she will reject it.  If he brings it up after a thorough evaluation (tests, et cetera) as part of the assessment and recommendation, there is a much
greater likelihood of compliance.

Good luck and thank you for your question.

Dr. Al

Dear Dr. Al

How can teachers help students who may have difficult
home lives become successful?

A

 

Dear A,

The easy answer is to do as much in school as can be
done in school.  Relieve the children of
as much of the additional stress, on top of the already highly unfair and
stressful home life, as you possibly can.
No homework.  Keep schools within
the neighborhood…comfortable, safe, walk-to-school distance.  Establish after-school social, academic, and
integrative opportunities.  Provide pre-
and post-school meals.  Conduct home
visits: teacher, social worker, school psychologist, principal.  Anything that takes the additional burden off
the kids would help.  I have been in
houses, right here in Madison, where there are no tables, no chairs, no lamps,
no clear space designated for academic pursuit.
I have been in houses, right here in Madison, where the living room
floor and couch double as mattresses…mattresses that have to be given up when
family from Chicago come to visit.  I
have been in homes, right here in Madison, where the eldest male or female
child is the parent, picking up his/her younger siblings after school and
caring for them.  I have had the
experience, right here in Madison, where a child refused to come to school
because her mother was on dialysis – and she was not going to take the chance
to come home to a dead parent.  I have
seen, right here in Madison, where a child had to carry the emotional burden of
walking past his mother everyday on the street on his way to school.  Not one of these examples is made-up, and
they are all very current.

Who knows?  Mummy
may have to work, or mummy may simply not be available to that challenge.

As much additional stress as you can take off that
child’s slender frame, to help it from bending so dangerously close to
breaking, would be supportive and highly appreciated.

 

Thank you for your question.

Dr. Al

 

Dear Dr. Al,

Just curious: is it possible for an oppressor to be unaware
(or at least, maybe unreflective) it is acting as an oppressor? Or to put it
another way, are the consequences the same for the lost people if the
oppression is calculated and intentional (for example, U.S. policy to
exterminate Native Peoples during the westward expansion, or Jim Crow laws) or
blindly self-serving (for example, people who argue American values/laws/social
policies are color blind and therefore reject concepts like white privilege,
red-lining, etc.). I’m not phrasing this very well, but I think you probably
get my drift ….

Just curious:

 

Dear JC,

The term “unaware oppression” has
been revised to “unconscious bias” – I suspect, in part because the former term
carries an aggressive tone that the latter does not.  Choice of language is, and therefore titles
are, important because they affect the audience’s emotional posture, and readiness
to engage. “Oppression” is an active
term that emotes a feeling of purposeful and calculated dominance.  “Unaware
suggests that you (the larger you) are just running through the market place
overturning people’s goods and livelihoods innocently oblivious to all the carnage
that’s going on around you.  I am taking
time on this aspect of your question because terms and titles are carefully
measured.  They are not haphazardly
chosen.  I am neither agreeing nor
disagreeing with the term – I am pointing out that there is a reason why it is
termed “unconscious bias” and not “unaware oppression.”  With the latter, people stop listening right
away.  At least you’ll get 5 minutes with
the former.  Now let me deal with the
essence of your question.

We all have biases.  Biases are natural to our existence.  Blonde or brunette?  Tall or short?  Basketball or golf?  Ford or Toyota?  Blue or red?
Brown eyes or blue?  Comedy or
drama?  Country music or pop?  Blacks or Asian? Powdered detergent or
liquid?  See how easy and natural that
is? I am certain that you were going along just fine until you came to the
Black or Asian one.  Then your body went “Ouch!”
Didn’t expect that – did you?  Bias is
that simple – and it is that subconscious – and it is that formed and hard to
change.

Where does it come from?  Some are natural.  Some are learned.  Many of the early biases were there to save
us and make sure the species was able to survive.  Certain tastes.  Certain smells.  Certain reactions after tasting
something.  Many others are learned…and
learned very young.  It’s the “in group” – “out group” thing.  Sort of
like the clicks or cliques in school.  I
had a great friend (no longer with us) whose then 3-year old daughter clutched
on to her leg for dear life as she observed with great consternation: “You’re
Black!” Her mom was so pained and apologized over and over.  That was a very precise observation.  I am Black.
In her learned experience, I was “out group.” She recognized it and stated
it.  No biggie!

So what’s all the hype about?

It’s the “power over” aspect of bias.  That
is the truly insidious part when it comes to human behavior.  It is the power over.  …and
some humans, some races, some groups have systematic, sanctioned, defended
power over others.
   When you have power over a person, a race, a
people, a group…and you have an entire system that normalizes that power over,
this is what you get. The unconscious aspect of it is the lack of recognition
that bias is occurring.  “Power over” is
so normalized that people are genuinely shocked if you point it out, and are royally
pissed if/when you challenge it.  The
sickening part is that although power over is not universal, bias is.  Since bias is learned, you can easily be of
the “in group” and hold bias against the “in group.”

Now, remember I told you that some
of it keeps us safe.  So what happens if
that “learned bias” is learned within the context of “safety?”  Let’s say that you love dogs…but there is
this one type of dog that you will not go near to.  You play with every dog you see except this
one type of dog.  You have a learned bias
against that type of dog.  What is you
level of anxiety when you see that dog?  Your
neighbor owns one of those dogs – what would have to happen for you to be
convinced that his dog is not dangerous.
Will that feeling of safety extend to other dogs like that?  Why?  Why
not?  How anxious would you be to go close
to that dog?  If a law was passed that stated
that all of those dogs should be terminated, how would you react?  Would you be pained of silently relieved?

Remember that I am not dealing with
right or wrong – and a dog is not a human being…but I do want you to feel how
deep this thing called “unconscious bias” is.
Many people try to make excuses for it, or rationalize it.

Going back to the dog analogy:  Until
and unless you grow up with that type of dog to know it’s beauty, or you see
more of those types of dogs in helping roles, or starring on television, or
walking the blind, or saving children from fires, or finding illicit drugs at
the airport…until and unless you get enough data to challenge your deep-seated
bias against that dog, NOTHING WILL CHANGE.   

UNLESS THERE ARE MORE, THERE WILL NOT BE MORE – AND THE FEW
THERE ARE WILL BE SEEN AS OUTLIERS…DIFFERENT…NOT LIKE THE REST. 

Thanks for your question.

Dr. Al