Dear Mom,

This response may be a bit longer than either you or I anticipated.  I will start with the end point. Then I will list some of the concerns you shared and address each briefly.

1. You mentioned that “she deserves it.”  I have no doubt that she does, and that is part of reason for your concern.
2. She is 16 and a junior in high school.  Do you remember you at 16 and a junior in high school?  Do you recall your emotional roller-coasters – your ups, your downs,  your crying for what seemed to be no reason at all, your parents who did not
   understand, your cliques at school (those who liked you, those who hated you and those you disliked?  Your daughter
   is right there – right now. Under the best of circumstances, that is a difficult place to be.  The acne
   outbursts do not help either.  So in the best of scenarios where, let’s say, 10 negative points put you into
   the high stress region, that alone amounts for 5 of those 10 possible points.
3. She is the Captain of the track team.  Let’s add 1 more stress point for that.
4. She lost her dad to cancer at age 14.  Any loss at any time is horrific – can you even imagine what the loss of her father, at this critical stage of her life, does to this young woman?  And she is still trying to play the role of captain and leader?  How does one really do that effectively?   You seemed to suggest that she may not yet have mourned his passing. Let’s add another 3 stress points.   A conservative estimate puts your daughter at a 9 on a scale of 1 – 10.
5. You also mentioned some swelling in the sternum area, and shortness of breath – plus an inability to complete her events.
   This tends to have a child question her own competencies.  Her team is expecting her to compete, compete well, and lead.  She feels incapable (at this time) – both physically and emotionally.  How does she tell herself that?  How does she tell her team?  How does she forgive herself?

My suggestion is that you get her to a specialist.  Try to find a kind, competent, male pediatric specialist dealing with activity and sport related injuries.  You seem to be an extremely competent mother.  This is evidenced in your ability to identify and list her potential challenges.  What your daughter needs is a kind, competent male specialist.  Her coach (if male) cannot do it.  He may be well-intended, and capable of understanding intellectually, but he has a track-meet to contest and win.  His job depends on it.  His ego depends on it.  His first reaction will probably be to suggest a relief from her responsibilities as Captain.  This actually does the reverse of what’s intended and places additional internal stress on the child.  This tends to be perceived as another failure.  She
may begin to develop an internal perception of herself as a failure.  Because of her strengths (as you identified them) this will more-than-likely not be shared with you.  So she will carry this pain by herself –  possibly leading to symptoms of depression.
Have your daughter checked-out physically first – a thorough check-up in critical.  At the same time the plan is the
development of the relationship between (a) herself and herself, and (b) herself and the doctor…with you guiding it.  Give
the doctor some insight on what’s going on.  Guide him as to the questions to ask.  He will be the first line to her therapeutic engagement.  If psychotherapy is deemed necessary – meaning that there is no evidence of a physiological reason for her chest pain – then have the doctor speak with her about it in your presence.  If you bring it up, she will reject it.  If he brings it up after a thorough evaluation (tests, et cetera) as part of the assessment and recommendation, there is a much
greater likelihood of compliance.

Good luck and thank you for your question.

Dr. Al

How can teachers help students who may have difficult
home lives become successful?

A

Dear A,

The easy answer is to do as much in school as can be
done in school.  Relieve the children of
as much of the additional stress, on top of the already highly unfair and
stressful home life, as you possibly can.
No homework.  Keep schools within
the neighborhood…comfortable, safe, walk-to-school distance.  Establish after-school social, academic, and
integrative opportunities.  Provide pre-
and post-school meals.  Conduct home
visits: teacher, social worker, school psychologist, principal.  Anything that takes the additional burden off
the kids would help.  I have been in
houses, right here in Madison, where there are no tables, no chairs, no lamps,
no clear space designated for academic pursuit.
I have been in houses, right here in Madison, where the living room
floor and couch double as mattresses…mattresses that have to be given up when
family from Chicago come to visit.  I
have been in homes, right here in Madison, where the eldest male or female
child is the parent, picking up his/her younger siblings after school and
caring for them.  I have had the
experience, right here in Madison, where a child refused to come to school
because her mother was on dialysis – and she was not going to take the chance
to come home to a dead parent.  I have
seen, right here in Madison, where a child had to carry the emotional burden of
walking past his mother everyday on the street on his way to school.  Not one of these examples is made-up, and
they are all very current.

Who knows?  Mummy
may have to work, or mummy may simply not be available to that challenge.

As much additional stress as you can take off that
child’s slender frame, to help it from bending so dangerously close to
breaking, would be supportive and highly appreciated.

Thank you for your question.

Dr. Al

Just curious: is it possible for an oppressor to be unaware
(or at least, maybe unreflective) it is acting as an oppressor? Or to put it
another way, are the consequences the same for the lost people if the
oppression is calculated and intentional (for example, U.S. policy to
exterminate Native Peoples during the westward expansion, or Jim Crow laws) or
blindly self-serving (for example, people who argue American values/laws/social
policies are color blind and therefore reject concepts like white privilege,
red-lining, etc.). I’m not phrasing this very well, but I think you probably
get my drift ….

Just curious:

Dear JC,

The term “unaware oppression” has
been revised to “unconscious bias” – I suspect, in part because the former term
carries an aggressive tone that the latter does not.  Choice of language is, and therefore titles
are, important because they affect the audience’s emotional posture, and readiness
to engage. “Oppression” is an active
term that emotes a feeling of purposeful and calculated dominance.  “Unaware”
suggests that you (the larger you) are just running through the market place
overturning people’s goods and livelihoods innocently oblivious to all the carnage
that’s going on around you.  I am taking
time on this aspect of your question because terms and titles are carefully
measured.  They are not haphazardly
chosen.  I am neither agreeing nor
disagreeing with the term – I am pointing out that there is a reason why it is
termed “unconscious bias” and not “unaware oppression.”  With the latter, people stop listening right
away.  At least you’ll get 5 minutes with
the former.  Now let me deal with the
essence of your question.

We all have biases.  Biases are natural to our existence.  Blonde or brunette?  Tall or short?  Basketball or golf?  Ford or Toyota?  Blue or red?
Brown eyes or blue?  Comedy or
drama?  Country music or pop?  Blacks or Asian? Powdered detergent or
liquid?  See how easy and natural that
is? I am certain that you were going along just fine until you came to the
Black or Asian one.  Then your body went “Ouch!”
Didn’t expect that – did you?  Bias is
that simple – and it is that subconscious – and it is that formed and hard to
change.

Where does it come from?  Some are natural.  Some are learned.  Many of the early biases were there to save
us and make sure the species was able to survive.  Certain tastes.  Certain smells.  Certain reactions after tasting
something.  Many others are learned…and
learned very young.  It’s the “in group” – “out group” thing.  Sort of
like the clicks or cliques in school.  I
had a great friend (no longer with us) whose then 3-year old daughter clutched
on to her leg for dear life as she observed with great consternation: “You’re
Black!” Her mom was so pained and apologized over and over.  That was a very precise observation.  I am Black.
In her learned experience, I was “out group.” She recognized it and stated
it.  No biggie!

So what’s all the hype about?

It’s the “power over” aspect of bias.  That
is the truly insidious part when it comes to human behavior.  It is the power over.  …and
some humans, some races, some groups have systematic, sanctioned, defended
power over others.   When you have power over a person, a race, a
people, a group…and you have an entire system that normalizes that power over,
this is what you get. The unconscious aspect of it is the lack of recognition
that bias is occurring.  “Power over” is
so normalized that people are genuinely shocked if you point it out, and are royally
pissed if/when you challenge it.  The
sickening part is that although power over is not universal, bias is.  Since bias is learned, you can easily be of
the “in group” and hold bias against the “in group.”

Now, remember I told you that some
of it keeps us safe.  So what happens if
that “learned bias” is learned within the context of “safety?”  Let’s say that you love dogs…but there is
this one type of dog that you will not go near to.  You play with every dog you see except this
one type of dog.  You have a learned bias
against that type of dog.  What is you
level of anxiety when you see that dog?  Your
neighbor owns one of those dogs – what would have to happen for you to be
convinced that his dog is not dangerous.
Will that feeling of safety extend to other dogs like that?  Why?  Why
not?  How anxious would you be to go close
to that dog?  If a law was passed that stated
that all of those dogs should be terminated, how would you react?  Would you be pained of silently relieved?

Remember that I am not dealing with
right or wrong – and a dog is not a human being…but I do want you to feel how
deep this thing called “unconscious bias” is.
Many people try to make excuses for it, or rationalize it.

Going back to the dog analogy:  Until
and unless you grow up with that type of dog to know it’s beauty, or you see
more of those types of dogs in helping roles, or starring on television, or
walking the blind, or saving children from fires, or finding illicit drugs at
the airport…until and unless you get enough data to challenge your deep-seated
bias against that dog, NOTHING WILL CHANGE.   

UNLESS THERE ARE MORE, THERE WILL NOT BE MORE – AND THE FEW
THERE ARE WILL BE SEEN AS OUTLIERS…DIFFERENT…NOT LIKE THE REST. 

Thanks for your question.

Dr. Al

When our class met with the mayor he talked about the
possibility of forming an academy for African Americans.  Do you think this would be advantageous for
the improvement of cultural learning, or do you think this could be detrimental
due to the segregation that would be created between Caucasian and African
American students?

Student.

Dear S,

What you’re asking here is about the relationship
between “cultural learning” and academic success…and by extension, if “cultural
learning“ is best delivered within the context of an Afro-centric environment -
within an Afro-centric curriculum. There is enough data to suggest that there
is tremendous social and academic benefit to holding a positive historical
cultural self identity (HiCSI), and home cultural self-identity (HoCSI).  HiCSI has to deal with learning one’s
history, foods, music, the story of one’s beginnings, language, traditions,
etc. and viewing it as a strength. This is what the Turtle school in Green Bay
is based on.  HiCSI deals with positive
strong messages delivered within the context of the home.  So in this case, your parents are delivering
the messages of who you are and how you represent yourself, your family, your
culture.  This is what many immigrants
do.  They teach their children what it means
to be African, Latino, Asian, etc.  The
children may not be taught the history, per say, but they are bathed in the
language, the music, the foods, clothing, etc.
This is central to a student’s success as it represents both the base or
launching-pad for ethnic minority students…as well as a place of strength and
safety (a home) to retreat to when emotionally challenged.  Now, let’s take this to your question.

If we accept that this “learning”  is integral to a student’s academic success,
and that this “learning” needs to be secured early during a child’s formative
years, (particularly since you have competing messages) then either the child
gets this in the home or in the school…or is defined and defines himself
through the messages in the environment.
If these “learnings” are not being delivered
adequately/appropriately/satisfactorily in the current school environment; and
if its not being delivered adequately/appropriately/satisfactorily in the
current home environment, and we acknowledge its importance to academic
success…then we simply find an environment that would do it.  This is the basis of the argument for many of
the charter schools.

Relative to the segregation part of your question “segregation that would be created between
Caucasian and African American students,” (a) I do not see how different
that is than what we have today, and (b) maintaining a weakened posture has
done nothing to enhance or advance the process of integration.

Thank you for your question.

Dr. Al

As you guys float on into your personal, social, academic, and professional futures, please leave me with this gift.

I want to know what worked, what did not work, what was over-done, done just right, and under-cooked.

This helps us make this experience better and better, knowing that no two groups of students is ever the same.

Thank you for the honor of having worked with each of you.

Because if you think of it, we need to retain difference.  I need to have a bigger house than you…and feel justified in my earning it.  I need to my kids to go to ballet and gymnastics.  I need to feel elevated and special, and if all of this separation goes away – then whom do I laugh at?  Whom do I look down on?  I need a BMW and a yacht and a big house and a cabin and a cool-ass sports car.  And if it is post-racial, then everybody has an equal chance to get that.  I don’t know if I want that.  Can we just talk about it a bit more while I hook-up my bank account on some poor folks’ backs?   Oh well!!!

Hey, here is a question for you:  I have a dog who is really really ill.  I lift her to take her downstairs ’cause I don’t want her to hurt herself.  But on the flat, I make sure she walks – that’s ’cause I don’t want to weaken her and make her muscles atrophy and her bones brittle. 

Yet, we have many well-meaning teachers, and socially active agencies that keep lifting my kids up.  They lift them up the stairs.  They lift them down the stairs.  They lift them on the flat.  They don’t give them any challenging work to do.  Or some of my Special Education teachers actually give my kids the answers.   Or some of my Regular education teachers just let them sit there or walk out of class. 

I’ll give you an example.  I have a school that keeps paying for one of my kid’s medicine – because they know he needs it and because they care.   They’ve been doing this since he was in third grade.  The medicine is expensive.  His mother does not have the money or the ability to find that kind of money.  The kid needs the medicine.  

I understand all of that.  I really do.  But tell me this: How come his mother (no dad) does not pay for a certain percentage – even $10:00?  I’ve seen this behavior a lot amongst well-meaning, caring people.  It’s like me lifting my dog up the stairs, down the stairs, and one the flat – - – and wondering why she keeps getting weaker and weaker! !

 So I asked a principal about this pattern I have noticed in really wonderfully, caring teachers and here is what she told me.  “They keep preparing my kids for jail…and they don’t even realize it.  Kids, regardless of life circumstance, must be held responsible for their learning…for their actions. ”  

 This giving and giving behavior, she says, is keeping both the kids and families in a weakened and submissive state.  This leads to an under-skilled, un-readied population. They keep preparing my kids for jail. 

For this final (maybe we’ll have another final one) – for this final blog, really dig into this for me.  Let’s get some thoughtful discussions going.

But – what about the folks who say we live in a post-racial society and race is only a consideration because it is brought up at all?  “Nobody gives a damn about race anymore! We don’t want to hear it!” …that it is even a red herring in many debates – that race, in and of itself, shouldn’t be a consideration?  …that point to the election of a Black president a clear demonstration of a post-racial society?   …that point to a Latino on their Board of Directors as demonstration of a post-racial society?  …that point to a Black Police Chief as evidence of a post-racial society?  …that point to a gay-Latina as Fire Chief as evidence of a post-racial society?

Or what about the other side of the discussion that says that those examples only serve to demonstrate that we are clearly not there yet.  The fact that in 2011 we have to search for one Black grain of rice or one Brown grain of rice, or the first woman, or to feel the need to boast that we’re the first to make our facilities all inclusive, simply strengthens the argument that we are not even close to being a post-racial society.    

To create a post-racial society do we simply start acting like we live in post-racial society?

Does concern for race distract us?  Are we too pc and all tied up in something that does not matter?

Discuss.

Chris Rock, a famous comedian, in one of his comedy routines tells the crowd that he has millions of dollars, but not one of you would want to switch lives with him.  The crows laughed knowingly, approvingly, uncomfortably.  Somebody spoke their truth.  He joked that his mail carrier chided him one day stating: “Yeah you have lots and lots of money…but ha – at least I’m not Black.”  I was sitting on my couch watching that, and I remember nodding my head. “Damn straight!” I thought to myself.

Many adult Blacks of other cultures will angrily tell you: “I’m not African American.  I am Black.”  What is this recognition and simultaneous rejection of self by self and self by other? 

Can anyone explain that to me?  What is this all about? 

Comment.

This weekend a protester at the capitol was holding a sign, featuring four symbols representing LGBTQI/Women/Latinos/Blacks. The message read, “Different Differences but Same Need for Equality.”  

Comment.

We Never knew it.  We Never thought of it.  It Never mattered in my culture.  She was just…mom. 

…and I remember witnessing dogs play with cats, pigs teasing dogs, and rats harassing cats.  You see this all the time on America’s Favorite Video.  They were all in the same family – learning each other as siblings.  

So it would seem that “difference is only realized when similarity is learned.”   In other words, “if difference is learned as safe, and safe is learned as normal, then difference is learned as normal.”

Difference = Safe.            Safe = Normal.         Then  Difference = Normal.  

Conversely –

If Difference = Unsafe.             And   Safe = Normal.         Then Difference cannot be Normal.

So my wife has East Indian in her family. 

So my wife has Latino in her family. 

So my wife has Chinese in her family. 

So when we get together what you perceive as “different” is actually “normal” for us.

So a little White child (3 – 5) from a White family will see a Black as different, where different = unsafe.  That Black person is unsafe.  That is not racist!!! 

That is Similar = Normal where Normal = Safe.   Therefore Similar = Safe.

That will hold true until that child is offered an expansion of experiences.  An expansion of experiences offers us an opportunity to widen our world…widen our concept of Difference = Safe.   Just opportunities.  Some of us will choose them.  Some of us will anger why we don’t.  

So here is a true story.  I knew this girl.  She was a teacher.  She was biracial (black – white).  Her mom was Black.  The story goes that all through primary school, her mom was her mom.  When she hit 7^th grade and really started to align herself with the concept of beauty and friendship grouping and socialization, she did not want to be perceived as “different.”  So she told her friends that her mom was her maid.  All through high school, her friends thought that her mom was her maid.  She made her mom her maid. 

She was 26 before she ever truly began to regret that.  She was so angry at her mom for being her mom – for being Black…for being different…for causing her to lose friends…for causing her to disown her mom.

 Think of what Dr. Bow shared with us.  Comment in that context.